The Figgis Policy
by Red Witch
Summary: Cyril needs to impress an insurance agent to get a lower rate. The Figgis Agency leaves an impression all right. Literally.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has been canceled. Not the show thank goodness! Just some madness that came from my tiny mind while watching old shows on You Tube.**

 **The Figgis Policy**

"All right everyone, listen up," Cyril spoke to the members of the Figgis Agency in the conference room. "This is really important."

"I'm sure you think it is," Archer yawned before he took a drink.

"Sterling shut up!" Mallory snapped. "This actually **is** important. So I have neither the time nor the patience for your usual cock-ups!"

"Phrasing," Archer quipped.

"On my…" Pam began.

"PAM! NO!" Cyril and Archer shouted at the same time.

"If we can keep the buffoonery down to a minimum I'd like to get on with this!" Mallory snapped. "Cyril you have the floor."

"Oh yes, I have the floor," Cyril said. "Because technically I am the boss of this agency!"

"God how long are you going to milk **that?** " Archer groaned.

"I know? Right?" Mallory said.

"Well Archer maybe if you weren't spending all your time screwing hookers and co-eds you could have gotten a law degree as well as…" Cyril began.

"Another useless piece of paper," Archer interrupted. "Which is basically useless in the real world unless you're a useless paper pusher."

"Well Sterling since we need to impress one of those useless paper pushers I suggest you **shut it!"** Mallory snapped.

"Look our insurance agent is coming over to give us our new policy at a lower rate," Cyril said. "So for the love of God people, please just pretend to be a **normal** efficient agency!"

"For how long?" Archer asked.

"Forty-five minutes tops," Cyril said.

"Can you get it down to thirty?" Archer asked.

"I'll try," Cyril sighed. "In fact Archer, I will give you two hours on your time for your PI license if you leave **right now** and don't come back until tomorrow morning."

"I'm gone!" Archer got up and left.

"I'm amazed he just took my offer like that without haggling," Cyril was stunned.

"Not really," Mallory sighed. "I know for a fact that there's some kind of beer tasting event at the bar down the street."

"So I'm giving Archer hours for drinking which he was going to do anyway?" Cyril groaned. "Never mind. It will be worth it to not only get him out of my hair but if we get a lower rate."

"So what's this rate thing again?" Cheryl asked.

"There's a new policy our insurance agency has," Cyril said. "That if we can prove our agency is up to code on fire safety and/or low on workplace hazards we can get up to seven thousand dollars off of our payments."

"And considering our state of affairs that's no small chump change," Mallory said. "Since our assignments haven't exactly been profitable…"

"Not to mention most of them were illegal," Lana added.

"We need to save money," Cyril added. "Luckily I was able to find this program after carefully reviewing the policy."

"Again with the milking," Mallory sighed as she took a drink.

"Good for you," Lana folded her arms. "There. Happy?"

"I'll be happy when we lower our rates," Cyril said. "Any questions?"

"Yes!" Cheryl raised her hand.

"Is it what's insurance?" Cyril asked.

"Yes!" Cheryl grinned.

"We'll explain later," Lana groaned.

"As far as this man is concerned," Cyril said. "We are a normal detective agency."

"Why wouldn't he think we're normal?" Mallory scoffed as she took a drink.

"Right…" Cyril sighed. "Cheryl I need you out front as the secretary. When the agent comes you announce him using the intercom and show him into the conference room. You got that?"

"I think so," Cheryl said.

"Repeat it back to me," Cyril said. "Just for giggles. Tell me what I just told you to do."

"Use the intercom," Cheryl sighed.

"When do you use the intercom?" Cyril asked.

"After the guy comes," Cheryl sighed.

"And…?" Cyril added.

"Show him around…"

"To the conference room!" Cyril snapped.

"I was getting to that!" Cheryl snapped.

"No, you weren't!" Cyril shouted.

"Okay I wasn't," Cheryl admitted.

"Just get out there and wait at your desk for Mr. Goodwin," Cyril pointed.

"You want me to do that now?" Cheryl asked.

"YES!" Cyril shouted.

"Fine!" Cheryl rolled her eyes and left the room.

"You really think Mrs. Wiggins out there can handle it?" Lana asked.

"IT'S CHERYL!" Cheryl shouted.

"WELL IF YOU DIDN'T CHANGE YOUR DAMN NAME EVERY OTHER WEEK WE WOULDN'T BE SO CONFUSED!" Pam shouted.

"IT'S NOT EVERY OTHER WEEK…" Cheryl shouted. "Well not since the first season…"

"Still thinks we're a TV show," Lana groaned.

"Yeah that's still going on," Pam sighed. "On the up side I think we're doing well in the ratings."

"Speaking of doing well," Cyril said. "I'd like to do well when our agent Mr. Goodwin gets here. So…Pam! Get rid of those tricycles in the bullpen!"

"Why?" Pam asked. "We need them for the office Olympics."

"Please tell me that is not a thing," Ray remarked.

"The Office Olympics which I am guessing Archer came up with…" Cyril groaned. "Are canceled!"

"Who died and made you the boss?" Pam asked.

"Yeah!" Cheryl agreed.

"I DID!" Cyril shouted.

"Wait you died? Are you a ghost?" Cheryl asked.

"Figure of speech Neck Bone," Pam said.

"Also get rid of the damn slip and slide in the break room!" Cyril shouted.

"Technically it's called a wet banana," Pam said.

"I don't care **what** it's called!" Cyril shouted. "I want it gone! Ray you help Pam clean up."

"Why do I have to do it?" Ray folded his arms. "They made the mess."

"Because **I said so** Missy!" Mallory growled. "Krieger I need you to lock down your lab tighter than a miser's purse. If that agent sees God only knows what's in there, we'll lose our policy."

"What do I do when he comes to inspect it?" Krieger asked.

"Tell him it's being fumigated!" Mallory snapped. "Or renovated. Just make up some excuse so he doesn't go in there!"

"In case you're confused," Lana sighed. "You should go now and do that Krieger."

"That was helpful you mentioned that," Krieger went off.

"And what are you three going to be doing?" Ray asked. "Besides polishing off a fifth of scotch?"

"We are going to meet with Mr. Goodwin," Mallory said.

"It takes three people to meet with one insurance agent?" Ray asked.

"Well when one of the people is Cyril, yes," Lana said.

"You know…?" Cyril gave Lana a look.

"We need to show that we are a modern, efficient office," Mallory said. "And let's be honest. If anyone can pacify the Diversity Gestapo, it's Lana."

"Okay do you **hear** the words you say or…?" Cyril asked.

"Just clean up the damn break room and get ready!" Mallory barked. Ray and Pam went off. "God it never ends around here. I have to do everything!"

"Everything but do the actual paperwork," Cyril said. "Pay the bills. Actually look for breaks in the insurance policy. Call the insurance agency…"

"Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Lana gave Cyril a look and made milking motions with her hands.

Mallory snickered. "Good one."

Cyril glared at Lana. "There was a time you actually **liked that** if I recall!"

"What?" Mallory did a double take.

"Don't ask," Lana groaned.

Meanwhile outside a man walked into the Figgis Agency. He was tall, well dressed in a gray suit about fifty with grey hair and carrying a briefcase. He stopped at Cheryl's desk where she is sniffing some glue. "Excuse me…?"

"Hang on…" Cheryl then closed her eyes took a deep sniff of glue then ate some. "Mmmmmm…That's so gluey…"

"Is that glue?" The man was stunned.

"Yeah and it's mine," Cheryl said. "You want some?"

"No, thank you. I had a big breakfast," The man winced. "This is the Figgis Agency am I right?"

"Are you what?" Cheryl asked.

"The Figgis Agency? This is the Figgis Agency?"

"Uhhhh…." Cheryl looked around. Even at the large sign saying FIGGIS AGENCY. "Uhhhh…Yes!"

"Oh so this is the right place," The man said dryly. "Goody."

"I get confused too," Cheryl said before taking another gulp of gooey glue.

"I'm Mr. Goodwin from the Huntington Agency. I'm here to see Mr. Figgis."

"Right," Cheryl nodded. She then took another sniff of glue. "Now what was I supposed to do again?"

"I think you should announce me to your boss," Mr. Goodwin said. "If you don't mind."

"No I don't mind," Cheryl pushed the intercom. "Hey Cyril! Mr. What's His Name is here!"

"It's Mr. Goodwin from the Huntington Agency!" Cyril shouted into the intercom.

"Well we have a Mr. Huntington from the Goodwin Agency," Cheryl said.

"No," The man said. "It's Mr. Goodwin from the Huntington Agency."

"Oh," Cheryl nodded. She pressed the intercom. "Sorry, it's Mr. Goodwin from the Huntington Agency. Not Mr. Huntington from The Goodwin Agency. Which agency did you want again?"

"FINE!" Cyril shouted. "SEND THEM BOTH IN!"

"You can both go in," Cheryl waved at the door. She then went back to sniffing her glue.

Cyril had opened the door. "Mr. Goodwin, come in! Come in! Thanks a **lot** Cheryl!"

"Don't mention it," Cheryl took another sniff of glue and started having a laughing fit.

"Mr. Goodwin," Cyril showed him into the room. "This is Mallory Archer…"

"Hello," Mallory looked at Mr. Goodwin like a lioness looks at a wounded gazelle.

"And Lana Kane," Cyril said quickly. "My best agents."

"Better than your secretary I hope," Mr. Goodwin remarked.

"Sorry about that," Mallory apologized. "Apparently when Cheryl was a little girl the IQ Fairy just flew right by her house and never visited."

"I see," Mr. Goodwin said. "But the Glue Fairy seems to have set up shop."

"What can I say?" Cyril laughed nervously. "Hard to get good help these days."

"Testify," Mallory took a drink. "Would you like a cocktail Mr. Goodwin? We have some lovely scotch."

"It's only ten thirty in the morning," Mr. Goodwin gave Mallory a look.

"So?" Mallory asked.

"Let's just get down to business shall we?" Cyril said quickly.

"Agreed," Mr. Goodwin sat down at the table along with the others. "Now I have the updated policy right here. I'll go over it with you and the stipulations before I take a small inspection of the place. Then we can both sign it."

"Good," Mallory nodded. "I'll be happy to sign…"

"Ms. Archer… **I** sign the policy," Cyril interrupted. "Remember? I'm the boss? It's my name on the wall?"

Mallory gave him a look. "Mooooooooooooooooooo…"

Cyril chuckled nervously to Mr. Goodwin. "Office in-joke. Ha, ha…"

"Yes I can see you need a sense of humor in this office," Mr. Goodwin remarked.

"True dat," Cyril groaned.

"As I was saying," Mr. Goodwin began. "To qualify for our discount program, first of all you need an updated fire sprinkler and alarm system."

"Already done," Cyril said. "Krieger installed it last week in the main office. And he's finishing it up in the lower levels so…"

"Also you need a fire escape plan," Mr. Goodwin added.

"We do," Cyril said.

"Since when?" Mallory asked.

"Oh you kidder you!" Cyril chuckled nervously.

"She's always making jokes like that," Lana said quickly. "But yes we do have a fire escape plan."

"Is it that we escape for our lives every time Carol or whatever her name is out there starts a fire?" Mallory scoffed.

"Ha, ha! Joke!" Cyril said.

"What do you mean by **every time** she starts a fire?" Mr. Goodwin asked.

"She's joking," Lana said quickly. "Because Cheryl never sets fires."

"She doesn't set fires," Cyril added quickly.

"She's obviously joking about every time Cheryl sets a fire," Lana added. "Because she never set a fire in the _first place."_

"So since she doesn't set fires it kind of like an office joke," Cyril added.

"Because Cheryl doesn't set fires," Lana said.

"Never sets fires," Cyril nodded his head. "That you can prove."

"Because there's nothing **to** prove," Lana gave him a look. "Because she doesn't set fires."

"So since she doesn't set fires," Cyril said. "It's obviously a joke. Which it is. Just a joke. Because other than a few minor little personality quirks Cheryl is completely normal."

"Completely normal," Lana added.

"Normal, normal, normal…" Cyril said trying to convince himself as much as Mr. Goodwin. "Normal."

"Smooth idiots," Mallory grumbled as she finished her drink. "Real smooth."

"Why don't you go to your office and finish off another case of scotch?" Cyril snapped.

"And miss this comedy show?" Mallory snorted. "No way…"

"Perhaps we should press on now?" Mr. Goodwin began. "About the fire safety upgrades. Not about your secretary being normal. Or as close as she can get to it."

"Of course. We have gone up and beyond the fire code. We even have a fire extinguisher in every room," Cyril said proudly. "Even in this conference room. It's over there."

"Shouldn't it be behind glass?" Mr. Goodwin asked.

"It's faster if it isn't," Cyril shrugged.

"But the point is we have a fire extinguisher in every office," Mallory said. "Even in the bathrooms."

"I'm glad you take fire safety seriously but don't you think that's a little bit excessive?" Mr. Goodwin asked. "Why would you need…? Oh dear God! I smell something burning!"

That was when Milton zipped by the open door. Then it zipped by again and entered the office. Milton then popped out some toast.

"What is **that?** " Mr. Goodwin asked.

"That's just Milton," Lana said. "Our toaster."

"You have four-foot toaster on wheels that just rolls around the building distributing toast?" Mr. Goodwin asked.

"It's a new product from our research and development team," Cyril said quickly. "It's uh…a toaster…"

"That distributes food to fast paced on the go businessmen," Mallory added quickly.

"And businesswomen," Lana added.

"Yes Lana, and businesswomen," Mallory groaned. "Thank you Mrs. Politically Correct!"

"Why is it just rolling around the office?" Mr. Goodwin asked.

"Product testing," Lana answered weakly.

"We're still working a few tiny bugs out of the system," Cyril said.

Just then Milton started spewing out toast all over the place. "Ahhh!" Mr. Goodwin was showered with toast. Then Milton sped away.

"Still some bugs in the system," Cyril gulped.

"We're going to get ants," Mallory grumbled.

"Okay," Mr. Goodwin said calmly. "Starting to see why you have so many fire extinguishers."

"Not because of Milton," Lana said. "He's not the one who starts the fires. I mean because **no one** starts fires. No one. Absolutely no one starts fires around here. Because this is a perfectly normal office. Normal, normal, normal."

Just then Ray was heard shouting. "GOD DAMN IT PAM! GET OFF THAT DAMN TRICYCLE AND HELP ME CLEAN UP YOUR DAMN MESS!"

"SHUT UP CY-BABY!" Pam shouted back. "GET THE STICK OUT OF YOUR BIONIC ASSHOLE AND HAVE SOME FUN! IT'S NOT LIKE THAT OLD BAT MS. ARCHER IS GOING TO CARE! AND CYRIL SURE AS HELL ISN'T GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!"

"FINE! YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT!" Ray shouted. "BUT DON'T BLAME ME WHEN MS. ARCHER PULLS YOUR SPINE OUT OF YOUR BIG BACKSIDE!"

"JUST GIVE HER SOME ABSINTHE AND SHE'LL BE FINE!" Pam shouted.

"AT LEAST HELP ME TAKE THE DAMN SLIP AND SLIDE OUT OF THE WAY!" Ray shouted.

"GET IT YOURSELF! IT'S NOT EVEN WET!" Pam shouted.

"OH F$%^$$ YOU PAM!" Ray shouted.

"F$%# $$ YOU BACK!" Pam shouted.

"This is **normal?"** Mr. Goodwin asked as he pointed outside.

"Well it is for this office," Mallory grumbled.

"They're in marketing," Cyril said quickly.

"Oh," Mr. Goodwin said. "That explains the swearing. And the tricycle and slip and slide…?"

"Working on an ad campaign," Cyril added. "Again, there are some bugs in the system."

"Bugs?" Krieger poked his head in. "What bugs? I didn't let any bugs out this time!"

"Not literal bugs you German Joke!" Mallory snapped.

"Oh…" Krieger blinked.

"Is that another one of your little in jokes you have around here?" Mr. Goodwin asked.

"Yes," Cyril said.

"There's a lot of them around here," Mr. Goodwin remarked.

"By the way I locked up the lab but I'm missing…" Krieger began.

"Thank you Krieger! That will be all!" Cyril interrupted.

"But I can't find…" Krieger began.

"Then go **look** for it!" Mallory snapped.

"But…" Krieger began.

"Whatever it is you're looking for you can go find!" Cyril snapped.

"But…" Krieger began.

"Now Krieger!" Lana groaned.

"O-kay…" Krieger backed away.

"That's our head scientist Dr. Krieger," Mallory explained. "Brilliant man. But a little scatterbrained."

"PIGGLY! PIGGLY!" Krieger was heard shouting. "WHERE ARE YOU?"

"Oh dear God no…" Lana groaned.

"Piggly's Krieger's assistant," Cyril said quickly.

"What does Mr. Piggly assist Dr. Krieger with?" Mr. Goodwin asked.

"Pretty much everything," Cyril said. "Especially experiments with radiation."

"What?" Mr. Goodwin blinked.

"As in radiation detecting devices," Lana glared at Cyril. "You know? New and improved ways to keep our building safe."

"Yes. A nice safe building where nothing bad ever happens," Cyril said quickly.

"A nice safe **normal** building," Lana said.

"O-kay…" Mr. Goodwin blinked. "Let's get back to the fire extinguishers. They really should be in case of some kind."

"If you're suggesting putting them in a glass case wouldn't that make it even **more** dangerous?" Mallory asked. "Think about it, if you have to break a glass case every time…"

"They don't do that anymore," Mr. Goodwin said. "They have clear plastic ones now. With handles."

"Oh," Mallory said. "Well that's convenient."

"Uh Guys…" Krieger poked his head in the door.

"Not now Krieger," Cyril sighed.

"But guys…" Krieger said.

"Not now Krieger!" Mallory snapped. "And tell Milton to stop spewing toast! I can still smell the damn thing burning from here."

"That's not Milton," Krieger explained.

"What? If that's not Milton, then what's making that…?" Lana began.

"EEEEEHHHH!" Cheryl's cheerful squeal was heard. "BURN BABY BURN!"

"Smoke smell…?" Lana winced.

"Oh God no!" Cyril shouted. "NOT AGAIN!"

"CAROL IF YOU'VE SET ANOTHER DAMN FIRE I WILL BREAK YOUR SCRAWNY LITTLE NECK!" Mallory screamed as they ran out of the conference room.

" **Another** fire?" Mr. Goodwin was shocked. "You said that she never sets **any fires!"**

"Obviously they lied," Krieger remarked.

"How could you set another fire?" Cyril shouted at Cheryl. There was a small fire near a wastebasket.

"It wasn't me," Cheryl shrugged.

"Yeah right!" Cyril snapped. "Just like it wasn't you the **last time**! Or the time before that?"

"Let me just put the fire out," Lana had grabbed the fire extinguisher and tried to use it. "What…? It's empty? How can it be empty?"

"We didn't refill it from the last time we had a fire," Krieger said. "I think the one in the conference room is out too." He went into the conference room to check.

"What do you meant they weren't refilled?" Cyril shouted.

"They have to be refilled?" Mallory blinked. "You mean you don't just buy fresh ones?"

"I…don't honestly know," Lana blinked. "I never thought of that before."

"Krieger you told me you took care of the fire extinguishers!" Cyril shouted.

"Obviously I lied," Krieger remarked as he came back with another fire extinguisher. He tried it out. "Nope this one doesn't work either."

"Well we need one now!" Cyril shouted. "I'll check my office!" He went to get one.

"You don't need a fire extinguisher!" Mr. Goodwin went to a nearby water cooler and got some water in a paper cup. He went to douse the fire. "Fortunately it's small enough so I can..."

WHOOOOOOOOOOOSE!

"YEAH!" Cheryl whooped as the fire burst even bigger. "BURN BABY BURN!"

"What the hell was in that water?" Mr. Goodwin shouted.

"Oh that's not water," Mallory said. "It's vodka."

"WHAT?" Mr. Goodwin shouted.

"I told you to label it!" Lana shouted. " **This** is why we should label it!"

"Well who drinks water anyway?" Mallory snapped.

"You're kidding right?" Mr. Goodwin snapped. He saw a coffee pot on a counter and grabbed it. "Maybe I can use this coffee to…?"

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Oh yeah," Mallory said as the flames went higher. "I Irished it up earlier."

"I've gone one!" Cyril ran in with a fire extinguisher. "SURPRESSING FIIIIIIIIIIIIRREEE!"

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!

Cyril sprayed out the fire. He also sprayed Mr. Goodwin, Lana and Mallory in the process. "Well that takes care of that…" Cyril sighed.

"Not really," Mr. Goodwin glared at Cyril. "What happened to your…?

BRING! BRING! BRING!

"Smoke alarm…" Mr. Goodwin groaned. Then the lights went out. "What the…?"

Not only did sirens go off but the sounds of pulsating electronic music went on. Strobe lights were everywhere. Cheryl and Krieger started dancing with glow sticks they produced. Pam and Ray joined with their own glow sticks and danced.

"WHO SET UP THIS ALARM SYSTEM?" Mr. Goodwin shouted. "DAFT PUNK?"

Right on cue…

"Whoooo!" Archer danced in holding a glow stick in one hand and a bottle of scotch in the other.

"ARCHER!" Cyril shouted.

"STERLING WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THIS?" Mallory shouted.

"Well you were all tired of my phone pranks and honestly I wanted to try a new medium," Archer began.

"You mean you wanted a new way to annoy us all!" Cyril shouted. "Mission accomplished!"

"Oh I can't wait to tell everyone about **this place** back at the office," Mr. Goodwin groaned. "I mean I've seen a few lulus in my day but this tops them."

"Krieger why the hell didn't you refill the fire extinguishers like I asked you to?" Cyril snapped.

"I traded that chore to Archer for a box of Twinkies," Krieger pointed to Archer.

"It wasn't just a box of Twinkies," Archer corrected. "It was a box of fried Twinkies. There's this store that makes really makes good ones!"

"My son has the diet of an alcoholic six-year-old!" Mallory groaned.

"Who cares about how Archer eats?" Lana snapped.

"You should," Ray remarked. "Because if he keeps snacking on those fried Twinkies he's gonna have a big ol' heart attack in a few years."

"I mean look at my clothes!" Lana indicated.

"Oh yes," Mallory rolled her eyes. "Like you don't have a dozen more sweater dresses like that back home."

"Well not in this color," Lana admitted. "Can't have nice things."

"You think you have it bad?" Mallory snapped. "This was a two hundred and fifty-dollar dress from Nordstrom's! Before Cyril erupted all over it!"

"Phrasing," Archer quipped.

"On my…" Pam began.

"PAM!" Archer shouted. "We talked about this. We all are going back to phrasing!"

"That vote was never ratified and you know it," Pam folded her arms across her chest.

"Krieger turn off the damn alarm!" Cyril shouted.

"Spoilsport," Krieger took out a small device and turned off the lights and music.

"Awww…" Pam, Cheryl and Ray pouted.

"At least there wasn't that much damage," Cyril said nervously.

"Yes well as minimal as the damage was," Mr. Goodwin snapped. "It could have been a lot worse due to your lack of being prepared!"

"Which is weird considering how many fires we've had over the years," Archer remarked.

"Archer…" Cyril growled. "Mr. Goodwin please…Okay so we had a tiny little hiccup?"

"A **little** hiccup?" Mr. Goodwin asked. "That's what Mrs. O'Leary's cow had before she kicked over that lantern that burned all of San Francisco!"

"Actually that was proven to be fake…" Cyril said weakly.

"Like your assurances that this **agency** …" Mr. Goodwin looked around. "For lack of a **better word** …Was prepared for a fire emergency! It was not prepared to prevent a fire emergency. _Starting one,_ yes! Preventing, **no!"**

"Mr. Goodwin…" Cyril began.

"Mr. Figgis," Mr. Goodwin said. "I've only been in this office less than twenty minutes and already I've seen at least five fire hazards and/or liability disasters waiting to happen. And I haven't even inspected the place yet!"

Just then Piggly walked by in all his glowing glory. "I told you to stay back in the lab!" Krieger shouted. "Piggly! Piggly don't you walk away from me when I'm talking to you!" Krieger went after the pig.

"Make that **six** ," Mr. Goodwin remarked. "Seven if you include your secretary!"

"Yeah she's a real pill," Cheryl snorted.

"He's talking about **you** , Glue More Girl!" Pam snapped.

"Ohhhh…" Cheryl blinked. "I thought he was talking about Mitsuko."

"Who is…?" Mr. Goodwin began.

"Don't ask," Everyone else said at the same time.

"Mr. Goodwin," Cyril pleaded. "Obviously this has been a bad day. You wouldn't raise our rates because of one little bad day would you?"

"Oh don't worry Mr. Figgis," Mr. Goodwin said as he took the policy out of his pocket. "I won't raise your rates."

"You won't?" Cyril said hopefully.

"No," Mr. Goodwin tore up the paper. "I'm cancelling your policy. Good day!"

"No! Wait please…" Cyril began.

"Mr. Figgis," Mr. Goodwin gave him a look. "I have spent over twenty-three years in the insurance business. And over those twenty-three years I have seen more than my share of kooks, criminals and downright negligence. Not to mention plenty of raging alcoholics. But this is the first time I have seen such a spectacularly disastrous combination of all four rolled into **one!"**

"Thank you!" Cheryl grinned.

"Not a compliment," Lana groaned.

"Wait, wait!" Cyril stopped him from leaving. "Isn't there any way you would reconsider?"

"Any way I would _reconsider?_ " Mr. Goodwin asked. "Giving **you** back your policy? You want to know if there's any way I could give **you** back your policy?"

"That's what he said," Cheryl said. "Clean the stupid out of your ears."

"Mr. Figgis," Mr. Goodwin took a breath. "The only way I would **consider** giving you an insurance policy for this office is that if you fired everyone. Closed down **this** office. Moved to **another** state. Hired some completely different people. And then you commit suicide."

"So you're saying there's hope?" Archer quipped. "What if he just committed suicide?"

"Only after he killed all of you then yes," Mr. Goodwin sneered.

"Well that's a little harsh," Cyril remarked.

"Once again, I will **handle this** ," Mallory groaned. She smiled and walked over to Mr. Goodwin. "Now Mr. Goodwin, don't you think that you and I could come to some kind of arrangement?"

"Ughgghhhh…" Archer groaned as Mallory touched Mr. Goodwin's arm in a suggestive way.

"I could clearly make it worth your while to reconsider," Mallory purred.

"Are you trying to **sexually entice** me into giving you your policy back?" Mr. Goodwin was horrified.

"Well not if you're going to throw a hissy fit about it!" Mallory remarked.

"God no!" Mr. Goodwin pulled away as if Mallory was a venomous snake. "I wouldn't even sleep with the **attractive women** of this agency let alone **you!** "

"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.

"Ooooooooooooooooooooh!" Pam, Ray and Cheryl said at the same time.

" **What** did you say?" Mallory growled.

"I said I find the idea of trading sexual favors for a policy repulsive," Mr. Goodwin sniffed. "Especially from a woman of your advanced age."

WHAM!

"Oh that is going to leave a mark," Ray winced.

"You actually hit me!" Mr. Goodwin whined in pain. Already he had a shiner on his face.

"And I'll do more than that," Mallory snarled as lunged at him.

"Mallory no!" Lana held her back.

"This place is a madhouse!" Mr. Goodwin ran away. "There is no way in hell the Huntington Agency will ever have any dealings with this agency again!"

"WELL GOOD RIDDANCE TO BAD RUBBISH!" Mallory shouted as Mr. Goodwin left.

"Way to handle it Mother," Archer quipped.

"Shut up!" Mallory snapped. "Thank you once again Sterling for ruining everything!"

"Me?" Archer was stunned. "What did I do?"

"You lost us our insurance!" Cyril snapped, pouncing on another opportunity to make Archer look bad in front of his mother.

"Again, **what** did I do?" Archer asked.

"Besides not taking care of the fire extinguishers and turning our fire alarm system into an electronica dance party?" Lana snapped.

"Yeah what?" Archer asked.

"Just out of curiosity Ms. Archer," Cyril groaned. "How many drugs did you take when you were pregnant with him?"

"Honestly?" Mallory blinked. "Uh…"

"I withdraw the question," Cyril groaned. "Just like I withdraw the offer of giving Archer any hours!"

"But you said I could have two hours!" Archer protested.

"I said if you **don't** come back until tomorrow morning!" Cyril shouted. "What part confused you? The don't come back part or the until tomorrow morning part?"

"Well technically I never left so…" Archer began.

"So you're not getting any hours!" Cyril snapped. "Especially after that rave you put on! Not that it matters because odds are we might get shut down thanks to you!"

"Hey! I am not the one who set the fire in the first place!" Archer pointed to Cheryl. "Or beat up the insurance agent. Or let Piggly wander around the building."

"I didn't **let** Piggly wander around the building!" Krieger snapped. "He got away on his own!"

"Oh that just makes **everything** better!" Cyril threw up his hands.

"What are you worried about Cyril?" Pam asked. "The last year of our spy agency we didn't even have insurance. And we managed to get along fine."

"Until we were shut down," Lana said.

"Not for lack of insurance," Pam gave her a look. "Besides it's not like it's a law or something."

"IT IS A LAW PAM!" Cyril shouted. "IT'S A LAW THAT WE NEED INSURANCE!"

"It is?" Pam asked.

"YES!" Cyril shouted.

"Oh…" Pam said. "Well that explains all those legal notices we used to get in the mail."

"And we're probably going to get a few more," Ray sighed. "Especially if Goodwin decides to press charges."

"I don't think so," Pam waved. "I think he was too scared. Did you see how fast he ran out of here?"

"It's what I should have done when I first met you people," Cyril groaned.


End file.
